The change I expected from getting in shape was short lived. If I am completely honest, that change actually never came. The happiness, joy and freedom that everyone seems to get when they lose a lot of weight was fleeting. The only thing that losing weight actually helped with was covering up my deepest/darkest struggles more than ever before. When I was overweight it was easier for the outside world to see that I was struggling. When I lost 100lbs the assumption was that I had it all together. It's crazy how the thought of someone losing weight means that their stress, worry, insecurities, childhood trauma, racial trauma... just suddenly goes away. It was like I instantly went from Clark Kent to Superman over night. Just because I lost all that weight everyone expected that I had everything together. Well that's all complete BULLSHIT!
What people didn't see was all my life I have struggled with my SELF WORTH! Self worth is not an external thing at all. It's an internal issue that is very real. So weight loss (an external thing) could not change that. And for those who may think that weight loss is your key to your problems, like I did, you're in for a hell of a surprise. This definition of self worth by, UNC Wilmington, nailed it right on the head for me:
"Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others. Self-worth is often confused with self-esteem, which relies on external factors such as successes and achievements to define worth and can often be inconsistent leading to someone struggling with feeling worthy."
My lack of self worth led to my struggle with self esteem. For years I was not aware of this. I felt that the life I was living was completely normal. Much of my struggle is do to religious trauma that causes what is know as C-PTSD. This I will get into at another time, but I want to share what the feeling of this struggle felt like for me . In doing so, I hope that others will reach out for help in order to get the healing needed to live the life they want and deserve.
Many of the feelings on this list are still a struggle to this day. I am continuously seeking help and ways to overcome them:
I felt heavy bouts of sadness.
Very low energy.
I felt like I was not enough around others which led to anxiety around others. Eventually that led me to separate myself.
Everything had to be perfect for others because of fear of judgement.
I felt like I had to know everything because it made me feel lesser than I already was.
I extended myself to others because I felt the more I did what they wanted the more love they would give me.
All my actions were to please other people.
All the fun I had was out of fear of punishment or rejection.
I would cry and didn't know why. In my mind I was selfish for crying and I had no reason to be upset.
I always felt unworthy.
I would let people take advantage of me. I knew they were taking advantage of me and I would be terrified to say anything!
I felt the need to work harder and know more than others to get some sort of respect and even though I did all that work I never felt worthy of any praise.
I felt depressed.
I never trusted my thoughts to make any decision.
I was confused, scared, tired, alone, suicidal and no one knew!
What seemed to be LOVE was actually FEAR
What seemed to be CONFIDENCE was actually INSECURITY
What seemed to be PEACE was actually CHAOS
What seemed to be HAPPINESS was actually SADNESS
What seemed to be JOY was actually DEPRESSION!
Overcoming my my struggle with weight loss, depression & anxiety (which I still have a lot of work to do on this) is why I started my fitness business "Transform: Mind, Body & Spirit". So many people struggle to lose weight and when they get to that goal, the same struggle is still there. The pain and hurt has not left and now they are left alone not knowing what to do. To find true happiness, joy, peace and love you must find it in yourself first. That's the hard work, but that is the work that matters the most. So, not only are our training sessions "DOPE" but our learning and growing sessions are even BETTER! We don't seek change we seek Transformation.
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